my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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