I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
