My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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