So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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