You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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