I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
