I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
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Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
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Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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