I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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