my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
