I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
