Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
