my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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