I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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