I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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