And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
