i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
