You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
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you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
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Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.