Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
