I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
