My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
