I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
