i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
