the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
