laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
