she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
