Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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