dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
