I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
