I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
