Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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