My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
