I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
They are going to name an STD after you.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
