Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
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And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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