I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
