I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
