if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
