I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
