So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Randomize
