ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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