If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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