I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
how drunk are you?
Several
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
