he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
