I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This gyro tastes like lonliness
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize