I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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