I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
