The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
