i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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