If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
