2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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