There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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