I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
