I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
