i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
