I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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