why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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