dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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