I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
