What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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