Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
