My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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