dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
