Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
